#meanwhile i: didn't write a single essay in my last 2 years and had a plethora of missed assignments

[jesterwaves]

honestly feel like i totally scammed my high school into letting me graduate. i was a smart kid, but i barely made it. i dont really feel bad about it though, its funny.

[onlymollygibson]

Part 2:

Haymitch spent his lunch on Monday eating a couple of microwave burritos and grading his History class's essays on the post-Civil War reconstruction.

Someone knocked on his door. He looked up, and it was Katniss Everdeen from his AP History class. The girl didn't say much in class, but her work was decent. Also, she'd been at every wrestling match this year.

"Now, now, I haven't even graded your essay yet. You'll get it back by Friday," he told her.

"No, this is about Health class," she said.

Oh and she was in his brand new headache as well.

She continued, "Mrs Odair said something about an alternative assignment."

He checked through her lesson plans. "Yep, if students don't get a parent's permission to participate in class, they can write a five page essay on why teenage pregnancy is a bad idea."

"Okay, I'd like to do that."

He leafed through the permission slips and there was one for Katniss Everdeen, signed and filled out.

"You've already turned in your permission slip."

"Right but my mother is a nurse," she replied, "So I already know all about that stuff."

"Uh-huh," said Haymitch, "You'd rather write a five page essay - single spaced by the way - and sit in the library for the next week than do a couple easy worksheets and a half page about a love song."

"Yes." She was scowling at him. He liked it when she turned that scowl on the refs if they made a bad call. Didn't appreciate quite as much when it was directed at him though. Oh well. She was sixteen. What was the worst she could do?

"'Fraid I can't let you do that." He might have let it slide, but he figured she could use all the help she could get.

"Why not?" Katniss asked.

"Well for starters the alternative assignment is mainly for - don't tell Principal Trinket I said this - religious nut jobs who think learning about condoms will somehow turn their precious babies into devil worshippers. And secondly, how many AP classes are you in, kid?"

"Three," she muttered, still scowling.

"Bet you're taking pre-calc too."

"Yep."

"For cryin' out loud, health class is supposed to be an easy A. Don't do a five page essay if you don't have to."

"But its not relevant to me-"

"Nope," Haymitch responded. Like hell it wasn't relevant to her. Between the way that Hawthorne kid on the basketball team spoke about her in the locker room and the way Peeta always looked to her spot in the stands after every single bout, that girl was knee deep in romantic messes, whether she wanted to be or not.

"Fine!" She stormed out of his classroom.

Haymitch went back to his burrito.

E period rolled around and the students put their completed assignment into Annie's color coded turn-in box.

Haymitch took attendance and then leafed through the assignments to find one to start the discussion with. Thom's was relatively benign. "I'll Be Watching You by The Police," he read for the class, "This is my mom's favorite song, but I just think it's creepy. Well, class, let's see who's right, this student or his mother."

He pulled the song up on YouTube and let the class watch while he looked through the rest of the papers. Delly Cartwright had a decent one. Cato's submission was... definitely worth discussing.

After the class agreed not to be creepy stalkers, he went with Delly's song choice: Kid Rock's All Summer Long.

During the song, Principal Trinket slipped in and took an empty seat in the back of the classroom.

Meanwhile he kept reading through the papers. He got to Katniss Everdeen's submission. Instead of her usual precise penmanship, the assignment was submitted in an angry scrawl. It read "I chose Someone Like You by Adele. She was correct when she said "Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead," but she missed the part where if your love dies you'll just stare at a wall for two months and leave your eleven year old to keep your life from completely derailing. Like I said, this assignment isn't really relevant to me, because I'm never ever going to fall in love."

Well shit. That certainly explained some things. He made a mental note to email the school counselor and get her some professional help, but for now he had to go on with the lesson.

When the song was over, he told the class, "I have a small correction to my lecture from last time. It has come to my attention that I should only be using anatomically correct terms in this class. Last time I told you 'It's all fun and games until your dick falls off.' Please correct that in your notes to 'It's all fun and games until your penis falls off.'" He smirked at Effie. "The sentiment stands. STDs are no joke, kids. Anyway, we just finished this lovely tribute to teenage stupidity. Anyone wanna tell me where Kid Rock went wrong?"

Delly Cartwright raised her hand and brought up consent, which was the point she'd made in the paper too. One of the dipshits in the middle said something stupid that made his buddy laugh.

Haymitch called out, "Now if you two chuckleheads need whiskey to get a girl to sleep with you, that says more about you than it does about the girl. But we'll be talking more about consent later in the lesson. Anyone else?"

Someone brought up that it was illegal to have sex in a public place, which was an excellent point, but they missed on the main problems with that song, "Location, location, location," he told them, "If it doesn't have a good place to go to the bathroom and clean up a bit afterwards, the girl could end up with a UTI, which are a pain. Then of course there's the sand that gets everywhere. I mean, it's better than the wrestling mats, which is a ticket to a staph infection in a very uncomfortable location, but not by much."

"Anyway," Haymitch continued, "Next up is the worst submission by far. I will not be playing the song for the class, see Ms. Trinket I can be reasonable, but it's WAP by Cardi B." A few of the wrestlers high fived each other. Time to wipe that smile off Cato's face. "Now, the problem isn't the song selection it's that this guy wrote, 'Girls don't actually get wet like that it's just a myth.' While the song is definitely exaggerating in terms of volume, it is factually correct. There is some accounting for variation in partners, but in general, vaginal dryness is a sign that the partner isn't very good at what he's doing."

And he'd done it again. Absolute silence; even the morons paying perfect attention. Time to move on to consent.

The Hunger Games modern AU where Haymitch is the gym teacher and has to teach sex ed. He starts the week by playing Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue. Then he says, "Don't you ever go to a 'dollhouse' in Fort Lauderdale. You know who does that? Florida men. It's a surefire way to get syphilis. And you know what happens with untreated syphilis? Your dick falls off. Your assignment this week is to bring in a popular song that mentions sex and tell the class exactly what's wrong with it."

Effie Trinket is the principal.